What if we hired a war criminal to “clean up” FIFA? Sepp Blatter has a plan

Every once in awhile a story comes along where it’s impossible to fathom what the fuck somebody could possibly be thinking. Usually it’s something political, but today it’s sports.

In case you haven’t been tracking along, FIFA, the governing body of world soccer, has been swamped with corruption allegations of late. It began with the decision to award Copa 2022 to Qatar instead of the US. Qatar might not have things like a football infrastructure or a world-class sporting organization or, you know, stadiums, but they did have what mattered the most: a suitcase full of cash. This hasn’t been proven yet, but give it time. You knew the fix was in the instant the announcement was made, and if you didn’t you probably think Anna Nicole married that filthy rich 185 year-old geezer because he made her nethers twitchy. This doesn’t mean you’re necessarily dumb. It could just mean that you’re hopelessly romantic and a tad naïve. Of course, dumb is still a possibility. Either way.

It wasn’t just 2022, either. Russia was awarded the 2018 Cup over England and a strong combined bid by Belgium and Holland. Russia is a far more defensible choice than was Qatar, but England is nonetheless torqued off over the alleged solicitation of bribes by members of the executive committee. Investigations are afoot.

Now, two executive committee members have been suspended over soliciting bribes in the just-concluded FIFA elections. And to cap it off, the organization has re-elected Sepp Blatter as King of the Thieves Guild president for yet another term.

For the American sports fan looking for a means of comparison, we’ll summarize thusly: FIFA leadership has the moral and ethical composition of a Jim Tressel/Pete Carroll prayer breakfast.

Don’t despair, though – Blatter has a plan. Check this shit out. (And no, it isn’t an Onion story. Make sure you’re not drinking anything you don’t want sprayed all over your monitor before continuing.)

Blatter asks Henry Kissinger to clean up FIFA
June 2, 2011

FIFA president Sepp Blatter believes former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger is the man to help clean up world football’s governing body in the wake of recent corruption allegations.

Blatter, who was re-elected unopposed for a fourth term in office on Wednesday, has promised to “put FIFA’s ship back onto the right course in clear, transparent waters”.And the Swiss appears to feel that Kissinger – who was US secretary of state and national security advisor during the Vietnam War – can help improve the organisation’s transparency.

Sweet hell. Henry Fucking Kissinger?! Clean up? Transparency?! Bitch, you have got to be kidding me. A guy many credible people argue is a war criminal? Maybe he’s going to clean up FIFA like he did Vietnam. Maybe he’ll bring transparency to FIFA like he did Cambodia and Laos (and more recently, Iraq).

What kind of narco-voodoo horse tranquilizer is Sepp Blatter injecting directly into his anal glands, anyhow? Enquiring Rational minds want to know. I mean, maybe he wants Kissinger to bomb the FA? But if he does, can he be trusted not to ramp up covert bombing of the Scottish FA and the FFF?

Seriously, what could Sepp be thinking? I can’t find any concrete evidence that he’s a deranged neo-fascist (although the fact that he’s Swiss and born in the mid-’30s raises obvious questions). He’s never been institutionalized that I can tell, although he’s bound to be prone to neo-liberal sex dreams. I did find this bit, which is curious:

In the early 1970s, Blatter was elected president of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders, an organisation which tried to stop women replacing suspender belts with pantyhose.

No telling what a TSA search would shake out of that underwear drawer, yo?

In the end, all we really know, from years of empirical observation by men of intellect and sound principles, is that Sepp Blatter is a backwards-thinking baffloon whose record of ineptitude ought to disqualify him for any office more demanding than mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

So he wants to bring in Kissinger to clean things up? Sure. Why not? Nixon is dead, Charles Manson and Jeff Skilling are in prison and that barking gongbat Chuck Colson is busy evangelizing for a New Feudalism. After them, Hank is probably the best man left.